I haven’t written in a while now. Chaotic times inside and out. And somehow having that sense of: All has been said already.
If you are on that path, it is hammered into you with every book you read, any speech you’re listening to. You hammer it into yourself every step of the way. And yet... we are often still confused, in emotional turmoil, in physical agony when dealing with Kundalini.
Oh. My. God! Why won’t you just drop it!! It so much feels like a numbing down process at the moment and my main topics lately are:
I’ve learned enough. I’ve read so much, I’ve heard so much. The essence of the teachings, when being squeezed out thorouhgly are so freaking simple. But living it, becoming that simple, is so immensely difficult. You need sign posts, stories of „how to“ and there are these rare pearls... It is when somebody can give you an opening to a new perspective on how you can adjust the inner work you are already doing every day... rare. Very rare but helpful. That is why I am still searching, listening, reading.
Drop the fear of anything: My main goal at the moment. Sensing much more clearly now how deeply engrained that feeling is in every cell of my body. As Kundalini takes her way deeper and deeper through my layers of being, I lately started to feel it as a basic vibration running through my system - literally.
My approach of tackling it mainly with body work is not enough, even though Kundalini makes this kind of work very accessible.
But letting the emotions come up at the same moment is crucial, yet a very difficult part. We are used to do this only on a very shallow level and Kundalini shows you how deep this has to go in order to have a substancially intergrating effect . This is brutal.
Stilling the mind, managing the racing thoughts... arggggh. I often just can’t. And it only shows me once more that trying, trying, all that trying are just staggering steps to the one and only necessity: Surrender.
Numbing down, numbing down, numbing down... letting go of all approaches, sighing deeply and melting in a big „fuck that“.
Longing for being free of fear. Feeling it in my body as that vibration that needs to change. Still a bit clueless about the how...
Sensing the truth of these necessities in order to succeed:
The only thing enabling this:
Having faith. There is no other way. And still... I am not there yet even though I am so confinced about that fact by experience.
You actually have no control. My Awakening just happened. I was longing for truth, yes but never thought about me being in a position to experience a Kundalini awakening! It just happened. In a quite moment.
All things out of the ordinary always happened when I dropped the trying and just lived. And then, magical things can happen.
Getting out of the mind, just being, just living the life I was given. Next steps. I just come out of a long period where I needed solitude more than anything else. Learning to deal with that new sense in my body, that constant surging of energy made me crave for so much „out-times“ where I can just lay down and be with it.
With very sensitive persons, I found out on two occassions that the energy can be sensed and have an effect on them via touching or being intimate... the person affected always reacted irritated. Both of them told me that something very strange happened to them. In both cases, it wasn’t unpleasant for them, just out of the ordinary and therefore somehow freaky. And I only told them what they need to know: That everything is fine.
I haven’t found out what that means for me yet... if it is my duty to work with it, it’ll come to me.
You know something else I just start to get now?
Many of my problems I had in life were caused by the fact that I am a very sensitive, easily irritated by others emotions-kind of person. I always thought that I need to change myself in order to not suffer that much anymore. You know: Getting thougher, fighting back, not taking everything so personal... thought, I have to beat up my easily irritated ego while I was actually just fighting against my big heart and sensitive soul.
These days, I came to realize that I really shouldn’t beat myself up anymore for how I am.
Quite the contrary: I should embrace my sensitivity, my open heart that gets so easily heartbroken by the routinely displayed selfishness of fellow humans.
Because, in the end, this sensitivity is what brought me here. It is this sensitivity that was being met with the grace of an Awakening, the grace of something so powerful like what we call Kundalini energy.
The suffering I endured is not due to my sensitive nature, it is due to me not embracing the way I am fully and gratefully.
So, the only thing that consequently changes now is the way I look at a „hurtful“ situation and then stay in my sensitive heart without being crushed but still feeling it fully. Selfishness, rudness being directed towards me: It still hurts my „weak spot“, my heart. But now, I silently cry out: The hell, this hurts!!!!!! And then I be there for me... with all my love I deserve and so does the other.
So, I start to learn how to embrace what I am. What I truly am. That, which is made of emotions, creating a special kind of energy flowing through me.
Acting never helps, „trying to be“ always gets sensed. So: Get to know the real you, be it and start to embody it effortlessly and then your energy can align with that truth and manifest so much more for you and therefore also for others around you.
I am a highly sensitive person. And some higher energy already sensed a strength in that trait or I would not have been given the immense impact of Kundalini. It is my duty to turn something I labeled as a weakness so far into the power it actually is.
Have a wonderful Christmas where your heart might be broken in a good way and let’s keep it going in 2019!