My journey in a nutshell
I was very sensitive to other energies since early childhood but lived a long life in ignorance afterwards and so I will start with the recounting of my experience as briefly as possible at the time of my „bubbling up“ back to the surface:
After the break up with my husband and moving from abroad back to Switzerland in 2012, I was eager to take my life back into my own hands.
My boys were 9 and 7 that time and although that process demanded a lot of strengths - physically but especially emotionally - I gathered all my strengths for the sake of them. Nonetheless, after a year back in Switzerland, I was on my way into a serious depression but still functioning on a high level in order to give my children all they need. But I knew, I have to do something pronto so that my condition does not worsen to a level where I can not function anymore despite all good intensions for the boys. I started practicing Yoga twice a week in order to keep me busy and on track while honestly making up my mind of what is going to help, what it is, that I want to do.
In a proper assessment, I found out that writing is the thing I am good at and that finally makes sense for so many things: My constant self reflection, eager interest in other people and where they come from, what their way of viewing the world is etc. Started a two year education in screenwriting. My chosen topic for my script: A story about a person with multiple personality disorder. Research for the theme made way to the „down“ of the rabbit hole. As muliple personality disorder is often associated with ritual abuse, I made my whoooole way through it. Everything: Occultism, mind control etc. etc. etc. Hit rock bottom, my reality seen shattered. Still pulling all my strength together for the sake of my children. Went on with normal life but couldn’t stop digging. I wanted to know the truth of everything.
At some point, I realized that when there is so much darkness, there has to be the same amount of light. Turned to the constructive ways of handling the theme. Digging through everything I could find about ancient knowledge, Egypt, the Sumerians, Theosophy, Alchemy, Thoth, Hermes and then Quantum Physics, patterns in Nature... Simultanily learning a lot in the education: Parallels of Spirituality and telling a good story became obvious. It is all about the journey, the losing yourself, nearly dying, the coming back as a different person… when you understand the covered longing of mankind it is then when you are able to tell stories that hit that deep spot and therefore move somebodies heart. Realized that hitting rock bottom so hard, nearly losing my mind at the time back there, was the best that could have happened to me. But only, because I was lucky enough to find the way out… That must have been to me what one calls an Awakening. Mine was cruel, mind shattering and bound to a long way of recovery and finding the „light“. Who knows when the energy really awakened. Might have been already then as unusual things already happened there. And my character changed without me „seemingly“ doing a lot to contribute. Answers just came and I just wasn’t bothered with topics of the ego that much anymore and less and less and less…
On my restless quest for truth, had to try the only way I haven’t persued so far: Started to meditate in December 2016. Expanding duration to up to 4 hours a day as I enjoyed it more and more. Sudden „idea“ of attending Yoga Teacher Training. Waiting list - somebody cancelled - I am in. With TT starting in April 2017, speeding up of process to the point where I had this intense experience in a class:
Our teacher was reading a buddhist text to us when I felt the strong urge to just shut my eyes and listen quietly. Then, like out of the blue, the inner layer of my lower belly area seemed to losen grip to the gross body, became very light and kind of swirled up to my head.
I became incredibly light and the energy went out my crown... but leaving me with fast thoughts about what now... Should I just let it happen – but how will I react in the middle of the class?!? I thought about quickly leaving the room, locking me up in the bathroom in order to let it play out... but that wasn’t a very intelligent option either, of course.
So, I forced myself to open the eyes, pulling the energy back down as good as I could… and then, right after that intense moment, we chanted an OM all together and the sound vibrated literally through my body. It was not separate from me anymore...
As the energy staid up very high that whole day, I felt like just getting through the day and then sit down quietly in the evening and let it finally happen. As high as the energy was, I thought that would be easy. But, of course, when I tried in the evening, nothing happened.
(Maybe... that was luck. As I then had the chance to do it more slowely and more in control.)
The next nearly two weeks were very intense, especially, because I felt a bit like those superheros in the movies - but the worrying part: I just did not know how to manage these high energies! I literally worried, that when in public and being involved in a slightly emotional encounter yet, my energies could just burst out of my body uncontrollably.
Further symptoms during that time which had positive and negative aspects, not always possible to match it to one or the other:
- Feeling very light, all the energy wanted to constantly go up. Even my hair was kind of fluffy like when electrically charged. Gave a nice feeling of lightness and unconvenient things like pain in the body were just gone. But made me also feel very unstable, like a wind could just blow me away. - Senses like hearing and smelling incredibly hightened. - Concrete experience of the magnetic vortexes in the body and how energy moves around them, tightening, losening the grip in constant change. - When laying on the floor, able to somehow melt into the ground. - Involuntary body movements, especially in the neck which helped me to lose tension as energy could find its way through. - Sudden inisights like: It is all there to wake us up! A beautiful piece of music, enjoying art, that moving moment in a film, an honest hug… if only we were able to surrender in what is beautiful. It would not have to be the hard way… suffering only creeps in because we better surrender when hitting rock bottom… Seems as it has its purpose… If we better cry when we are hurt than when we see beauty - So be it. Time takes its toll on that and every hardening makes it more difficult to find that soft spot of the surrender. - Sensing other people much more, seeing misalignments in the body very clear. - A glass and even a knife broke after having them in my hands and put them aside. - Realizing, that when not having the knowledge about these energies, it can be quite dangerous. Nighttime worried me especially because I had even less control over what is happening there.
After two weeks, finally addressed the issue to my Yoga teacher. His advice and the assurance of somebody taking me serious in that crucial moment, helped me to slowely ground again. Two weeks later, I was kind of stable but the fast way into meditation was laid and stayed with me. Since that incident, lots of things and work going on in different layers of the body/mind, followed with amaze but sometimes, it is a lot to take and it is a constant tearing between the feelings: - The strong movements of the energy can make you crazy but when silent, I miss „her“… - Character changes come like gifts but on the other hand, demand a lot of work which means: I have to do it now or I pay with enormous tensions. Have to sit down. Have to do the work. - Knowing, just knowing what to do. Not being afraid of certain things happening. Things that in a „normal“ state would have freaked me out. On the other hand, feeling utter dispair for always having to know on my own. - Much more able to just trust and let things happen, evolve, develop in time while on the other hand being much more upset about things that are out of my influence and therefore the „me" being forced to accept it. - Losing the grip of the ego more and more while standing clearly in the „I“. No longer having patience for attacks of any level of severance against me that have nothing to do with me. - Accepting other people in their way of being while when sensing it is coming from an egoic state of mind, not having lots of nerves for dealing with petty problems and/or eg. resistance to make changes that would help getting better. - Days like at work, sitting without movement for a long time, can create lots of tensions and a kind of nausea-feeling like when I was pregnant. Need for rest while need for lots of movement, stretching, bending. - Sleeping hours very uncertain: Lots of sweating during nighttime, vivid dreaming, not being able to sleep more than 5 - 6 hours but feeling very tired in the early afternoon. - Hightened senses come back slowely, this time more gradually. Even sounds travelling through the spine came back. Strong ones like thunder and - if I desire, I can draw certain music inwards. - Thunder seems kind of „there“ anyway. Sometimes hearing thunderlike sounds, feeling energy exiting my body like thunder into the ground.
My journey in a nutshell... no way of getting it all in. I'll keep blogging and fleshing it more out for you, unravel this, contemplate on that... just trying to get to the point for you... and for myself. For us.